The murphy's law of the inner workings of spines
by Ginanubismon
Summary: Shinji gets a spine and exserts his power among the other members of NERV only to have a shock to the spine.


Shinji woke up that morning to the usual barrage of insults and feet to get his lazy perverted ass out of bed and go make breakfast. He fell to the floor with a thud as his psychotic room mate had lifted up the bed. Crawling out of his room as the German rode on his back - in a literary manner - all the way to the kitchen he slowly pushed himself off the floor. "Could I at least take a shower first?"

"No, idiot!" Asuka shouted as she took her fist and slammed it into the back of the head of the other pilot. "I have the menu right here. Now get to work!"

As the second child left the third alone to read over the menu which consisted of things like eggs benedict and Le Fancis Sounding name pancakes among other fancy European items. Shinji, feeling much like a slave under these conditions, crumble up the menu then threw it out. He was not going to bend to those demands, it was going to be plane eggs and sausages for her.

"Mornin' Shinji-kun." those were the haggard words of Captain Misato as she stumbled through the kitchen. Shinji could smell the alcohol left over from last night, it was no surprise that his guardian was retrieving her hair of the dog. "I heard you and Asuka this morning. Could you please keep it down when she kills you, I have a headache."

"Well you would not have a headache if it was not for the binge drinking." Shinji mutter under his breath.

"What was the Shinji-kun?" Misato sat at the table, she was opened the beer and was about to drink when a blur of human flesh tones had slapped it away.

"I said, Well you would not have a headache if it was not for the damn binge drinking." Shinji huffed in anger, "I am sick of having to clean the sink and the floor of puke. I am sick of seeing you always being haggard when you come home. I am sick of all of it!"

Misato, just looking haggard as ever only glanced at him trying to drink the phantom beer, "whatever Emo."

"Idiot, where's my breakfast!" Asuka called from the other room.

"Get it yourself!" Shinji yelled. The German walked in and looked a bit confused. "What?"

"Where's the food. Shinji, when you say 'get it yourself' there is usually food." Asuka used some hand gestures during her speech.

"I meant that you should get your own food."

"Well, I am. So where is it?"

Shinji, slapping himself in the face in frustration, only replied, "I mean that you should make it yourself you damn stupid slut. Oh for the love of gods, Misato you are sipping air!"

Misato, true to Shinji's word, was continuously trying to drink a non-existent beer. Looking around confused she found the can, now empty of the contents, over an air duct which means that she could not suck the beer off of the floor. "My beer." she said weakly.

"I am sick of it!" Shinji screamed as he grasp his head. He heard a clicking sound, opening his eyes he saw the barrel of the NERV issued magnum. Normally this would Shinji but not this time, he will not be intimidated by threats. "Misato, you sold the bullets for more booze last night."

Feeling smug with himself Shinji had made a bad mistake of Misato, even without bullets a gun was still a dangerous weapon. By taking the barrel than using force upon the right area of the head on can cause pain, unconsciousness or even death. In other words Misato had pistol whipped Shinji into submission.

When the young pilot had regained his senses he was outside, in a dumpster. Shifting around he had found many organic things had attached to him including but not limited to coffee grounds, substance unidentified and a banana peel which stuck to his head.

Wiping himself off of these things he climbed out, this only fed the already cranky beast. He wanted to go back in and give Misato and Asuka what for but common sense, which would have helped earlier, had kicked in. Going back in he might as well right into a fist several times over, maybe if he let them cool off he can lay down the law. In the meantime there was other areas of his life that needs to be smoothed over.

Creating a check list of people that often caused him pain and suffering the young pilot was wondering around the city getting strange glances and a few comments about his smell that rolled off his back, it was a while until he found one of the people on his list of "Shinji's manly revenge of manly manliness". Rei Ayanami, the first child and the few love interest of his life. She was just walking up the sidewalk, like the doll she often portrays herself as.

"Pilot Ikari?" Rei stopped, the maniacal grin and the aura of the third child seems a bit more off. The young boy approached he wrapped an arm around her waist causing some confusion. "What is the meaning of this, Shinji Ikari?"

"You and me, baby!" Shinji spoke in a faux mature voice. He try to kiss the blue haired woman but he was pushed back a bit, confused and bewildered by the action he stepped back. "What's wrong, baby?"

Rei, raising a brow as she stepped back, only concluded in her mind that the young pilot of unit 01 had lost his mind. Or maybe suffered brain damage as the bruise on his forehead might indicate. "Pilot Ikari, please restrain yourself."

"But, but my manliness told me that if I were to make moves on you that you would be mine and all would be right in the world," Shinji spoke as he kept his voice from quivering. "I would move in with you and there would be revenge on all those that wronged me."

Rei just stared at Shinji for a moment, she placed her hands on his shoulder in a conforming manner. It appeared that the pathetic speech about his manhood might have soften the ice cold heart of Ayanami, she finally spoke. "Ikari-san, please wait here while I call a psychiatrist."

"What?"

"There is a phone nearby. If you just wait I will search for a psychiatrist that can help you with your condition."

"I do not have a condition!" Shinji shouted angrily, his voice cracked a bit making him sound feminine.

"It does not have to be a highly regarded psychiatrist just as long as you get help." Rei remarked.

"I am not crazy, I am just sit of it!"

"Please restrain your emotional outburst until I find you a psychiatrist." Rei wanted to walk away from the unbalanced fellow but he just kept on following her.

"I was going to sweep you off your feet, and you were going to change your clothes and isolated attitude as I blackmail and beat up half of NERV into stuff." Shinji shouted causing a few stares. "You and I, that is how it was going to be." feeling a sudden and sharp pain in his cheek Shinji was surprised that Rei had just slapped her. "Why did you do that?"

"Because you need some sense." Rei replied, "I is an adjective, me is an object. You mean _you and me_ instead of _you and I_, at least in this case."

"Than, you are not mad about me getting revenge?" Shinji smiled, Rei appeared emotionless. Maybe she was just mad about the use of grammar. He smiled, only to feel his nose get pushed back as he jolted back. "What!"

Rei may have a face like a doll but she has a right hook like Mohammad Ali thanks to the years of training. "I am sorry, Ikari, but I cannot allow you to carry out such a plan." her right may have been a killer, as Shinji learned from the broken nose, but her left was a knockout.

Shinji, once again regaining some consciousness, found himself upside down in a trashcan in the Geo-front. Crawling out he looked down to find his shirt was further dirtied by dried blood and possibly tears. Forcing himself to seek out the medical attention from a yakuza doctor he heard about sought out Kensuke to further what was left of his manly man revenge plan of manliness. While the friend was curious he chose not to ask as Shinji gone to NERV headquarters to seek out one Doctor Ritsuko Akari.

He found the doctor working in the Sync Test area, she was going over results of the last few tests as predicted. He marched up to the false blonde with a file in hand, he grabbed the back of the chair that Ritsuko was sitting in and flung it around to face the now surprised and annoyed scientist. "You, I want my own apartment or else." Ritsuko was not fazed by the threat as she stood up and crossed her arms, her icy glare spoke in volumes that this is a bad idea but Shinji, with more concussions then common sense at the moment, stood his ground. "These are photos of you masturbating in the shower and there is quite revealing."

"Really?" Ritsuko was tapping a foot before leaning forward. "What makes you think I am afraid of a pipsqueak that turns to gel after every angel attack that comes around? What are you going to do?"

"Well. Here how it is going to go down, I want a nice apartment on the nice part of town near a train station or else I will give these photos to everyone here at NERV."

Ritsuko lean back. "Are you serious?"

"As a heart attack." Shinji narrowed his eyes.

The false blonde narrowed her eyes as she tapped a finger against her elbow. Pursing her lips she knew what must be done. Without warning she grasp the edge of her shirt then tore it open, revealing her quite shapely breast bound by a frilly bra to the young boy which stunned the boy, and many of the staff, into a state of silly shock. With amazing speeds she snatched the file out of the boy's hand and flung them over her shoulder where many photos fell out and collected by the staff. "amateur."

"Oh crap."

Ritsuko, despite tearing her shirt open, button up her shirt. Then shoulder tackle the pilot. For the next hour she had manage to talk the staff into holding him down while she gave him "pink belly".

Shinji had to use the wall for support after the torturing moment for the person on top of his manly man revenge of manliness. The man that caused him all of this stuff to happen to him, everything from abandoning him to what had gone down only moments ago. The man was close, he could sense it. True to his sense - or lack of - that man which he hated the most was standing near the elevator.

"You!" Shinji pointed at the commander who was paying no attention to, "I hate you and now you must feel the awesome wrath of Shinji!"

"Oh shut up idiot." came the voice of Asuka how was walking up to the commander, they just stood there while ignoring the pilot. Shinji had growled but Asuka backhanded him without even looking, he got up to say something but was backhanded again.

"Will you stop that you whore." Shinji yelled as he rubbed his face, he had managed to get the attention of Commander Ikari at last.

Breaking the fourth wall here there is something to said about Gendo Ikari. When he was a raising star in high school his teacher and mentor thought it was best to train his body to match his mind and the then young Ikari had signed up for Roman-greeko wrestling and won many matches, in fact he had a minor career in a minor circuit wrestling league to pay for collage under the name of Il Diavolo. This is important because as Commander Ikari had his son in an camel crutch before lifting him up to perform a piledriver.

Once Shinji had regained what little ability to remain conscious after the Il Diavolo had mopped the floor with him, quite literally as he found himself in a janitor's closet with soap in his hair. He walked in the loosest term of the word home, there he saw Captain Misato was restocking the supply of beer. One glance was shared between them before Shinji snatched a six pack right of the purple haired woman's hand. They locked in glares, he take the pre-cooked eggs in a cart which taste - and look like - rubber.

"Shinji-kun?"

The young pilot finally had felt his true manliness coming through and he did what no one thought he would do. With one smooth motion he opened every can and tore open the packet of eggs, lifting up the packet of eggs he got as many into his mouth then swallowed before downing the entire six pack in one motion without missing a drop. He smashed the empty cans against his head, despite the pain, then stumble to his room.

And so ends the manly man revenge of manliness of Shinji Ikari.

(-)(-)After word(-)(-)

After being knee deep in many "Shinji-get-a-spine" stories I find myself thinking that _Asuka would not allow herself to be knock around like that without a fight,_ and while many of the parts of the story may seem like a bit OOC and farfetched like Ikari being a former wrestler I find him to be the type of guy that can possible reach out and snap your neck.

And I do not think Rei would like to be whisked up and told to change like that anyway.

And it is interesting to see her as a boxer.

Strange.


End file.
